I’ve been meeting weekly for a while now with my online Confessional Community. This is a group of people I consider very safe, and with whom I have been able to tell my story at a deep and vulnerable level. Over the last several months, they have been a huge blessing to me! This week I relayed to them, with far less rabbit chasing, my Cat’s Cradle story. What they reflected back to me helped me see my story more truly. One of them said “your dad missed out on the something special just the two of you could’ve had”. This hit me pretty hard.

It’s true. There really hasn’t been that “something special” between us, ever. We got off to a really rocky start, and it’s never been smooth since. And sure, I now live with him, but still, everything we do is on his terms and based on his abilities, which are now very minimal.

There was one attempt, years ago, in creating that something special. It has become a sort-of icon, heralding the attempt and highlighting the reality. It’s an old truck. In fact, a 1961 Chevrolet C10 Apache with a “straight six” motor and 3-speed manual transmission. It’s an old farm truck, really, with just two doors, a stepside bed, and the spare tire mounted behind the driver’s door.

This truck was gonna be our thing. And not just ours, but my son’s too. The idea was that it could be a 3-generation project truck we all would work on, together. More than 15 years ago, my dad, son, and I drove several hours together to look at the truck, and then my dad purchased it on the spot. I drove it onto the trailer. We hauled it back to his home, and I drove it into his barn, where it has been sitting ever since. Dad, who is always the guy who reads the entire owner’s manual before attempting anything – whether it’s a vehicle, toaster or a can opener, said he needed to do some research first before launching into working on the truck.

I guess he’s still doing research.

The truck won’t start now. The battery is certainly dead, but the motor won’t turn over, even with battery power. And, a leak has developed in the fuel tank – which is basically right behind the seat. So, it’s not safe to drive anyway. It’s parked, with tires rotting, in the same barn where we keep mowing equipment and other stuff. I see it every time I get out the mower. It just sits there, looking forlorn. It makes me sad.

Maybe someday my son and I will have the chance to work on it together…maybe we’ll just scrap it after dad dies. We have our own something special. It’s called relationship.

Harry Chapin released the album Verities and Balderdash in 1973. This album has nine songs – 44 minutes worth of music.

My dad wouldn’t have ever listened to that album. He was a working widower with two young children to raise, so buying albums was a luxury he simply couldn’t afford. He was also a good Christian, in the height of the Jesus Movement era, and that meant he didn’t listen to non-church music, or for that matter anything that had a drum beat to it.

The first, and most played, track on Chapin’s irreverent album is Cat’s in the Cradle. This song is likely a huge nod to Kurt Vonnegut’s satirical sci-fi novel, Cat’s Cradle, published in 1963. In it, Vonnegut satirizes both religious and scientific institutions, basically stating in a very postmodern sense that truth does not exist. Or maybe, that it doesn’t matter?

For me, the irony in making that assertion is that, in a sense, Vonnegut is still stating a truth – or at least his own perspective of what he thinks to be true. Also, his assertion lines up rather well with a writer from nearly 3,000 years ago, who penned in the book of Ecclesiastes that “Everything is meaningless”, (and that there are really no new ideas). So, Vonnegut wasn’t really saying anything new.

In the novel, the Cat’s Cradle is string art. You know…when someone makes different shapes and configurations out of a loop of string or yarn? Yeah. The basic first pattern many people learn to make is actually called cat’s cradle.

Vonnegut’s book was actually banned by a school board in Ohio in 1972. Is it coincidence that Chapin released a song about it a year later? I think that’s unlikely.

However, there’s also an old Dutch story named The Cat and the Cradle, which is a story of a little orphan girl, and the protection she received from a cat. It also seems very much like “Christian propaganda”. I found it somewhat fascinating, but maybe not something we would read to our children these days. If you want to hear someone read it on YouTube, here’s a link. There’s even a reference to Santa Clause in the story!

But what’s the “silver spoon” line about in Chapin’s song? It’s (simply or maybe not) about the cost of privilege. The song is one of both lament and warning. Chasing after our dreams can be costly. The highest cost of privilege is often relationship, but there can be other costs. And, there are other risks to relationship besides privilege.

Cat’s Cradle, the song, is all about the dysfunctional relationship between a dad and a son. It really resonates with me.

My dad was poor and widowed when I was young. I didn’t see him much. And, what choice did he have? He went to work, I went to daycare. On the weekends, he went to church and I went to childcare. That was how my first six years were. I wish he’d picked up Chapin’s album, or that somewhere along the way someone would’ve taught him the truth of Cat’s in the Cradle.

He just wasn’t really ever there. This turned to mistrust and resentment for me. I wanted a relationship with him, but he was unreliable. Sometimes, he was abusive. I couldn’t risk trusting him.

Later, after he was remarried and all his hard work as a salesman began paying off, my dad took a lot of trips. Sometimes overnight, often just day trips around the area where we lived. They were always business trips. Even when he brought me or the whole family along, he always found a way to include some element of work or stop to visit a client or potential client. I did not enjoy riding with him, but there was a time when he did bring me along frequently. We only talked about what he wanted to talk about and went where he chose to go. This was how he could justify that he was spending time with me.

I drove my dad to a medical appointment yesterday. This was not where he wanted to go, but we still only talked about what he wanted to talk about. I felt the old resentment building as I drove and listened to him talk.

…when ya comin home, dad, I don’t know when…but we’ll get together then…you know we’ll have a good time then…

Oh, and if you haven’t ever listened to Verities and Balderdash, I find it pretty interesting, thoughtful, satirical, sad, intriguing, and funny. I think my favorite song on the album would have to be Six String Orchestra – for the fun of it! I just sent the link to my son – I think he’ll enjoy it. Starting this weekend, I’ll also very much enjoy spending several days with him, my daughter, their spouses, and my wife. No cats (though he has a couple), no cradles (yet), and no silver spoons.

Whoo!! The swirly bits are all up above my head this morning, like a swarm of hummingbirds! Not a flock – because hummingbirds are solo creatures, but they do very much swarm around a food source!

What I’m saying is that there’s a lot going on in me, internally, while I’m currently sitting entirely still. I feel very indecisive! There are many things – many good things – commanding my attention, and I feel like a cat swatting at mosquitoes right now, trying to latch onto something – anything!

There are a few podcasts on my listen-to list. A few guys I want to touch base with. Some writing I want to do (not related to my blogs). Laundry to wash. Well…okay, I’ve already started the laundry.

And then there’s part of me that just wants to jump on my motorcycle and go for a nice intensity hit!

Still, here I sit. Almost paralyzed by indecision. Good thing my thumbs still work.

So, I’m starting by writing this blog! Typically, this helps me find focus. As I like to say, it helps the swirly bits to land. Dr. Dan Siegel talks about this with the great phrase “Name it to Tame it”. And literally, I’m feeling some calm settle over me as I’m writing, and just naming how unsettled I feel and recognizing some of the sources. Isn’t neuroscience awesome!

If you’re still with me, thanks for hanging in there. “But wait, there’s more!” I have an update to share:

I’ve heard back from both of the online graduate school programs. The larger school that specializes in online learning gave me full acceptance – all without ever speaking to a single human. This is encouraging, and also insightful. Were I to enroll, I feel certain my educational experience would be very do-it-yourself. While I feel confident enough that I could go that route, I’m definitely more drawn to the smaller school. I’ve had some good interactions with actual people there, and the program is designed for connection. I’m grateful to say this program has invited me to take the next step, which is a short video interview early next month. I immediately accepted their invitation, and I’m hoping the result of the meeting will be full acceptance into the program. The larger school has definitely become my backup option.

Whew…I feel so much calmer now!

I think I still will hop on the motorcycle for a while and go for a relaxing ride – right after this laundry finishes drying!

It’s Sunday.

Again, today, my wife and I are going to visit the campus of yet another church. Hopefully, we’ll get to meet some of the actual church, too.

In September of last year, I wrote a post on my other blog in response to a Substack post by Jemar Tisby. In it, I shared that I’ve experienced some church hurt in my lifetime. Honestly, I experienced spiritual abuse and spiritual bypass before I was old enough to know. And, it’s only been in recent years that I have come to realize the truth of it all.

It has been nearly six years since we were part of a church where we felt like we belonged. And then, we suddenly didn’t. There were many reasons, but they all happened at once. Then there was a pandemic, and a lot of transition, followed by more church hurt and then more transition. It is hard not to just give up on “going to church” altogether. And yet we try. The only way to have community is to seek it.

Who knows, maybe this will be one…

Today is day 108 of 366. It’s kinda fun just writing that down. First, we’re over 100 days into the year! Pretty cool. And, this is a leap year. I dunno why, exactly, but I think leap years are more fun than ordinary 365-day years.

Did you know? Leap year has been a thing since before we started marking the years with A.D. or Anno Domini. In fact we can thank Julius Caesar for the introduction of Leap Year in 45 B.C. The month of July is named after ‘ol JC and August is named after – you guessed it – Augustus Caesar. Also, there was something called the “final year of confusion” in 46 B.C. that lasted 445 days! Craziness. There’s a lot more confusing stuff that happened with the calendar in days (and years) past. For instance, in 1752 A.D. when Britain officially swapped their calendar, Sept. 2 was followed by Sept. 14. I’m grateful to not be living in those days!

At some point during today, we’ll reach the point of 30% completion for the year 2024 A.D. Even with the extra day in February! And for me, this year just keeps getting better! It’s more than “just” the fact that I can say I’ve been in recovery and sober every day of this year. But that’s pretty great, too. I’m feeling a lot of gratitude. Even being able to notice what I’m feeling is pretty fantastic! I’m also pretty stoked this is not a 445 day year! Whew! One extra day will do.

Anybody else a sushi fan?

I’m not gonna say I’m any kind of connoisseur, but I do like some sushi once in a while. I know the difference between sushi and sashimi, too. And, while I’m not brave enough to buy gas station sushi, I don’t mind buying my sushi from the local grocery store. So far, I’ve never had anything but a good experience. My wife and I enjoyed some for dinner tonight!

Before continuing I want to mention here: the movie East Side Sushi is an endearing movie about a Latina single mom who works her way into becoming a sushi chef. It bumps against a lot of stereotypes – in several ways. It’s truly what I would call a good movie. Definitely worth the watch!

Our local grocery store typically includes a little dollop of wasabi and some pickled ginger with each order of sushi. Most restaurants I’ve been to (admittedly only a few) will do the same. That ginger is pretty tasty! And the wasabi…I can’t help but think of the classic scene from Cars 2 when Tow Mater mistakes it for pistachio ice cream! That stuff will light you up!!

And here’s the deal. I’m not a super fan or anything near when it comes to spicy food. Generally, medium-ish level spice will do just fine for me. I do enjoy ice cream a whole lot, and though he’s just a cartoon, I feel for ‘ol Mater and his faux pas. Still, I think that scene is hilarious! And I’m a fan of wasabi.

It’s not the flavor I enjoy. I can’t even say that I “like” the taste. But it occurs to me that maybe my ADHD brain shows up here. In Dr. Tamara Rosier’s book, Your Brain’s Not Broken, she writes how the ADHD brain seeks intensity as a means of decision making. Basically, the ADHD brain has less access to its prefrontal cortex than a neurotypical brain. There’s also a correlation to a higher than normal number of dopamine transmitters- meaning more removal of dopamine from the brain, therefore less access in general to that feel-good chemical. To compensate, the ADHD brain relies on the limbic system more for decision making. And the limbic system decides what’s important based on intensity level, not so much whether the intensity is “positive” or “negative”. Rosier writes more about emotional intensity, but I have noticed that I tend to seek intensity in other areas, too. If you want to look into it more, here’s another really intriguing look at how the ADHD brain functions. At least, it is to me!

So, my brain seeks intensity, and that “hit” of wasabi is quite intense! Also having addictive tendencies, it’s important for me to find healthy forms of intensity. One may argue that a “wasabi hit” may not be “healthy”, but I don’t find it to be unhealthy, either. Even though I’ve literally been in tears after eating it and my brain feels like it’s on fire, I keep going back for more! What I’ve noticed though, is that after I’m finished eating, I feel quite calm. I’d go so far as to say content.

This is really interesting to notice. I’ve observed it at other times recently as well. For instance, last week I was feeling a need for more intensity, so I went for a run. Not that running is anything new for me, but I intentionally ran hard and clocked one of my fastest 5k times in a long while! And recently, I was given the gift of a massage. I asked for the massage therapist to apply high pressure! She took me up on that! It was…you guessed it…very intense! Painful. Yet, I was quite relaxed when the massage was over. How can that be??

Intensity. It meets a perceived need. Who cares if I like the taste? So what if it hurts. It does something positive for my ADHD brain. Or at least, that’s how it seems.

That’s wasabi with me!

As I shared last week, I’ve applied to a couple of programs to pursue a graduate degree in counseling. The initial application process was a flurry of excitement and activity – getting all the information together, writing the requested essays, seeking referrals, and following through with all the steps – making sure all boxes were checked. And then, quite suddenly, I’d done all I could do.

This weekend and today have been an exercise in waiting. Not sure how long this will take, and I won’t pretend I’m very patient about it. This waiting is so difficult and precarious! Checking the time, checking my email…more often than I care to admit. What else can I do? Not a thing! No amount of effort on my part will further the process!

I applied to two different schools. Both include a similar total cost to complete the program, so that’s not much of a factor. I would need the same number of credit hours for both programs, with some slight differences in required coursework. No biggie.

One is a larger university that really specializes in online learning. A great pick, well respected and checks all the boxes for accreditation. If accepted, I can start almost immediately, take classes year-round, and could likely take all necessary coursework and complete my degree within two, maybe two and a half years. Most of my work would be self-paced, self-guided with support from the university and professors.

The other program where I applied is a smaller private school that also hosts some online programs and from what I can tell does a good job. This school is located very near where my son and daughter-in-law live. The program, also online, would take a full three years to complete. I would not start until this Fall. It includes, by intent, much more opportunity for connection with the other students whom I would be learning alongside. The school is accredited, and they are taking all necessary steps for this new (to them) program to become accredited, but this takes time.

The differences are pretty significant to me. Which is “better”? I suppose the one that accepts me. Unless both accept me…and then, I definitely have a “top pick” and a second choice. But I’m taking this time to really consider and contemplate.

Would you go back to school if you could? In your 50s? If you were me, which school would you choose?

I was recently asked how I go about forming effective interpersonal and group relationships. In fact, this question was part of an application for graduate school. I’ve applied to a couple of different schools – both online programs towards getting a counseling degree. I’ve submitted everything I can, and now I wait. I’ll let you know how it goes. But…back to the question…how I form relationships has definitely changed for me in recent years. And there’s definitely some differences between how I form relationships in interpersonal and group settings.

The following is, verbatim, what I wrote in answer to this question.

“When it comes to forming effective interpersonal relationships, a word picture comes to mind. It’s often as if I am invited to come hang out at the ocean that is relationship. I’ve noticed that many people come to the water’s edge, dip their feet in, feel the texture of the sand and the coolness of the water. Others might slowly wade in up to their knees and wait to become acclimated before proceeding further. Historically, I’m the guy who comes barreling in and executes a perfect cannonball. Then, only after swimming under the surface for a bit and wondering where everyone else went, I pop up and notice the shock (and not much awe) of the people around me whom I’ve just doused. For a long time, I would’ve judged all the other people as unworthy. Clearly, they just didn’t come to play like I did. And then I would look for fellow cannonball experts. They’re pretty easy to spot. In recent years, I’ve come to learn the value of entering a room small. In fact, that’s what I generally prefer. I do not want to be noticed – as this gives me the ability to be an observer of people – a skill set I’ve always implicitly practiced, yet now I’m learning to utilize as a means to connect rather than isolate. This is a better way to form interpersonal relationships. When it comes to facilitating, though, I find that if I’m the guy who jumps in and maybe even loses his shorts in the process, and can remain fully engaged, then this can be very disarming. Others are more likely to follow – which brings about a deeper, richer group dynamic and sense of with-ness.”

It’s what came to me in the moment. Will it be what those with decision-making authority are looking for? I have no idea. Was the part about losing my shorts a bit much? Could be. I fear rejection, but not so much as to avoid authenticity. Probably because I’m experiencing pretty healthy attachment and fuller integration “these days”.

I know this: I’ve metaphorically gone pretty deep and even “lost my shorts” on this blog more than a few times and there are those who just keep on swimming, unalarmed – even daring to go deeper with me. I’m grateful for that.

I don’t know if it’s the “eclipse phenomenon”, this chronic pain I’ve been dealing with lately, or something else, but wow have I been scatterbrained today. I started to name this post “Mindless Monday”, because my mind has been a bit messy so far. But, I didn’t want to give the “messy” that much credit or power.

Though I haven’t blogged all that often, I’ve been writing, or capturing ideas and thoughts, regarding a few different topics over the last few weeks. The problem is that I’ve written journal entries, notes, emails, and documents. All electronic, sure. But with all the different ideas and locations, it is getting a bit challenging to keep sorted. In fact, I spent considerable time this morning just “chasing my tail”, trying to track down one particular idea I’d written about. After a while, I gave up and went for a short run.

The run did provide some relief for some of the anxiety. I’d love to tell you that I had a moment of clarity while out running and knew exactly where to look when I returned. I thought I remembered. But, my thought was incorrect. And then, in the middle of looking in the wrong place, I did finally recall and locate what I was looking for. Whew!

I’m still feeling pretty scattered, but a bit amused and endeavoring to practice kindness to myself about it. Next thing I’m going to do is spend some time meditating.

What do you do when this sort of thing happens? What are your go-to mindfulness practices?

My wife is a Social Worker, and really good at what she does. She has served in several roles as a Social Worker over our 30+ years of marriage. In recent years, she has been in a role that’s pretty much tailor-made for her. She has the frequent opportunity to provide counsel and support for families who are in some really difficult situations. And, she has become a sought-after speaker for conferences related to her work. My observation, from being in the audience on occasion, is that while her oratory skills are quite good, it is her heart and experience, and the level of truth she’s willing to share about her own story that really come through everything she shares. I believe this is why people keep asking her to present at different events. She will be the keynote speaker at one of these events soon. I’m pretty stinkin’ proud of her.

Because I like to write and wordsmith, my wife sometimes asks me to review her notes and slides as she prepares for different presentations and speaking events. For the upcoming event, the keynote address is one she has done before and feels pretty comfortable with. But she’s also leading a breakout session on a topic that she’s presented only once before, and she’s tailored the content for the specific event. The topic is shame – something I know all too well. My shame attendant has been a constant companion for most of my life. In recent years, I’ve devoted a lot of time working through and getting out from under the burden of my shame. Oftentimes, right here through this blog. And still, I get surprised by shame at times. It’s sneaky and stealthy like that – showing up when we least expect it. And, shame often does its best work where good things are already happening. This has certainly been true for me. It has also been true for my wife. Still, as I was reading through her slides, I was reconnected with some of her experiences all over again, and it did something in me. I experienced empathy.

I was part of a recent meeting with Dr. Curt Thompson, and he had this to say about empathy:

“Empathy is an intentionally directed behavior. It is moving toward and attuning to someone. It’s feeling what they’re feeling, understanding the nature of their story and receiving it the way they are telling it. And it’s taking them someplace, not just leaving them where they are.“

And then, of course, there’s the Brené Brown quote which I’ve referred to a few times now. Feel free to follow the link, I’ll just paraphrase this time. The antidote for shame is empathy.

I asked my wife recently what she would say has been the saving grace in our 30+ years of marriage, given the pain and difficulty I’ve put her through in that time. She shared with me that it was the true friendship we forged while dating and over the first several “before kids” years, and the fun we had during that time as well. But also, it has been our shared “empty nest” vision – who we wanted to become, which is where we now find ourselves (sort of). She shared that the years in between had their ups and down for sure, but many enjoyable times as friends and life partners, and the first years without kids as well as the shared dreams of the future together served as “bookends” and gifts from God. I have such a deep gratitude for those bookends and the bright days that were mixed in with the difficulties.

Yet, I remember times when she was just done. And really, who could blame her, given everything that transpired over the years? Among other times, I remember the car ride that started so painfully, deathly quiet. She had every reason (again) to leave!

My choices over the years hurt my wife deeply. And, she’s spent considerable effort and time processing her pain – for herself. Even so, she didn’t have to stay with me. I am convinced that in between the bookends, empathy has shown up all along the way. My wife fully agrees. I’m grateful for the “bookends” and the good times we’ve shared. I’m grateful she’s done her necessary recovery work for her own wellbeing. And, I’m incredibly grateful that she has remained empathetic towards me – or has been able to rediscover empathy when she was just out. If not for empathy, I don’t think all the good times and future expectations in the world would’ve been enough to keep her “in it” with me, or to keep us going. And I’m really enjoying being in it with her, on this end of the shelf. This is a season of growth and opportunity for her and for her career. I think she would be experiencing much of that with or without me. I’m so glad it’s with me!