Between the Bookends

My wife is a Social Worker, and really good at what she does. She has served in several roles as a Social Worker over our 30+ years of marriage. In recent years, she has been in a role that’s pretty much tailor-made for her. She has the frequent opportunity to provide counsel and support for families who are in some really difficult situations. And, she has become a sought-after speaker for conferences related to her work. My observation, from being in the audience on occasion, is that while her oratory skills are quite good, it is her heart and experience, and the level of truth she’s willing to share about her own story that really come through everything she shares. I believe this is why people keep asking her to present at different events. She will be the keynote speaker at one of these events soon. I’m pretty stinkin’ proud of her.

Because I like to write and wordsmith, my wife sometimes asks me to review her notes and slides as she prepares for different presentations and speaking events. For the upcoming event, the keynote address is one she has done before and feels pretty comfortable with. But she’s also leading a breakout session on a topic that she’s presented only once before, and she’s tailored the content for the specific event. The topic is shame – something I know all too well. My shame attendant has been a constant companion for most of my life. In recent years, I’ve devoted a lot of time working through and getting out from under the burden of my shame. Oftentimes, right here through this blog. And still, I get surprised by shame at times. It’s sneaky and stealthy like that – showing up when we least expect it. And, shame often does its best work where good things are already happening. This has certainly been true for me. It has also been true for my wife. Still, as I was reading through her slides, I was reconnected with some of her experiences all over again, and it did something in me. I experienced empathy.

I was part of a recent meeting with Dr. Curt Thompson, and he had this to say about empathy:

“Empathy is an intentionally directed behavior. It is moving toward and attuning to someone. It’s feeling what they’re feeling, understanding the nature of their story and receiving it the way they are telling it. And it’s taking them someplace, not just leaving them where they are.“

And then, of course, there’s the Brené Brown quote which I’ve referred to a few times now. Feel free to follow the link, I’ll just paraphrase this time. The antidote for shame is empathy.

I asked my wife recently what she would say has been the saving grace in our 30+ years of marriage, given the pain and difficulty I’ve put her through in that time. She shared with me that it was the true friendship we forged while dating and over the first several “before kids” years, and the fun we had during that time as well. But also, it has been our shared “empty nest” vision – who we wanted to become, which is where we now find ourselves (sort of). She shared that the years in between had their ups and down for sure, but many enjoyable times as friends and life partners, and the first years without kids as well as the shared dreams of the future together served as “bookends” and gifts from God. I have such a deep gratitude for those bookends and the bright days that were mixed in with the difficulties.

Yet, I remember times when she was just done. And really, who could blame her, given everything that transpired over the years? Among other times, I remember the car ride that started so painfully, deathly quiet. She had every reason (again) to leave!

My choices over the years hurt my wife deeply. And, she’s spent considerable effort and time processing her pain – for herself. Even so, she didn’t have to stay with me. I am convinced that in between the bookends, empathy has shown up all along the way. My wife fully agrees. I’m grateful for the “bookends” and the good times we’ve shared. I’m grateful she’s done her necessary recovery work for her own wellbeing. And, I’m incredibly grateful that she has remained empathetic towards me – or has been able to rediscover empathy when she was just out. If not for empathy, I don’t think all the good times and future expectations in the world would’ve been enough to keep her “in it” with me, or to keep us going. And I’m really enjoying being in it with her, on this end of the shelf. This is a season of growth and opportunity for her and for her career. I think she would be experiencing much of that with or without me. I’m so glad it’s with me!