If that title is familiar to you, then you’re likely a Hamilton fan.

Same. I listen to the soundtrack sometimes just because I like it so much! My wife and I are going to see a (more local) production of it soon. Even though it’s not the Broadway show, I’m still pretty excited! I’ve had one song from that production, It’s Quiet Uptown, playing in my head on loop the past several days. I also like the way Kelly Clarkson covered that song – and it’s actually her version that’s been stuck in my head.

I’ve heard it said before, in leading others “we don’t want people to know what we’re against, but rather what we’re for”. Sounds pretty good in theory. It also sounds kinda close to what Aaron Bur says/sings in Hamilton.

I got to wondering lately…where does our own curiosity fit into healthy conversation? What about the curiosity of others?

“Don’t let them know what you’re against, or what you’re for”. Maybe Aaron Bur, Sir, was a bit “off” in his way of doing things. Not that smiling is bad, of course. I could practice smiling more! But I just wonder…what if, along with smiling more, he had been more curious?

Curiosity is a powerful force in my life. It has been foundational in my addiction recovery. If I’m telling people what I’m against or what I’m for, then I’m not harnessing my curiosity – which means I’m missing out!

I received a letter recently from Spin Doctor. It’s been a while, but in my most recent post about him I stated that he never wrote me back. Well…never say never!

I’m glad he wrote, as I do want to continue our connection. His words were a bit dismissive and somewhat defensive. He said he’s always been a “straight shooter” but then admitted to hiding some truths from me as well. At first, I was pretty angry. Come on, get real! You’re in jail for obvious reasons. When will you just drop the act!?

And then the irony of what I was feeling hit me…as I read through my previous blog, and even clicked on the link to Mary Gauthier’s song, suddenly my anger subsided.

“I am only too aware that people only get this broken because they’ve experienced a crushing level of trauma in their own lives. And, without assigning any blame, they didn’t get the help they needed to overcome it.”

These were my own words. And they’re true. The things he admitted that he has been hiding give clear evidence of the “crushing level of trauma” he has experienced.

Mercy!

He has been transferred from jail to prison now, where he’ll be serving out the rest of his 8-10 year sentence. I know this because I wrote him back, but my letter was returned undeliverable.

All I can do now is wait until his new location becomes available, and then I’ll write again – with some hope, some grace, some kindness, and some mercy. After all, how often has it been me on the receiving end of more of these than I could ever deserve!?!

One week ago, I had a short video interview with a panel of people from the smaller, closer college where I applied for grad school. The conversation was pleasant, and went pretty well. They told me I would have an answer within a week.

On Wednesday last week, I was sharing my thoughts and feelings about going back to school with my wife. I’ve been fearful. Thoughts of failure have definitely crossed my mind many times. But also, this is a three year commitment and a lot could happen in that time! And, there’s the concern of how a graduate school workload will fit into the rest of my life and schedule – how much will change? I’m not afraid of working hard, I just don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made in the other areas of my life – particularly my recovery progress.

But, I’ve truly never been here before. Last time I was in college, my prefrontal cortex hadn’t even fully formed yet! I didn’t have much understanding of how my ADHD brain worked either. My corpus callosum was also likely underdeveloped/diminished due to prolonged, hidden addiction.

I am literally not the same person I was then.

I’ve been praying about this. I told my wife that I put out a “fleece” of sorts before God. I decided I do not want to attend the larger program where I was accepted first. It felt too impersonal, and I have come to highly value connection and community as vital to my way of life. It was going to be either the smaller school with the more personal experience or bust!

Two days passed. No word. But hey, they said it could be a week…I was managing okay. Still, I checked email multiple times per day. Nada. Then, Friday evening, a friend suggested I look online at the university’s application portal. Okay, sure – worth a shot.

I had to figure out how to log back into the site, using just my phone, then navigate to the application area. Once I got logged in, I immediately saw a new message marked “Decision Letter”. I clicked the link…and there it was! I have been accepted! I’m in!

And then, I laughed! The date of the decision letter was marked two days prior – the day my wife and I had the conversation, and the day I put my “fleece” out there to God. He answered before I even asked – no fleece necessary! I think he allowed me to go through the whole process so I could have more assurance that I’m making the best decision. And I think he probably laughed, too.

It’s a maths kind of day.

We’ve crossed the 35% threshold for the year. Worth noting!

After several days of near bliss, our family of six (plus two) will be divided by three. We’ve had a really great time together over these past few days. It has been as wonderful as I could’ve hoped! I’m grateful how connected and integrated I’ve been through every moment. Still, we’ll separate into three sets of two again. I want to cling to every remaining second and take it all in as fully as I’m able.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

And so, this is when I start counting the days until I get to be with these amazing people I get to call family once again.

Staring blindly into space…getting up to splash my face…

You may recall me writing in an obscurely related post about how my daughter gave me this fun T-shirt for Christmas…

…and how “Grumpy” has a lot of meaning to our family. My grandparent name is going to be Grumpy. It’s funny and fitting. My goal is to be the least grumpy grandparent ever!

A while ago, my wife and I got in our car on a Friday afternoon and drove a few hours to spend the weekend with our son and daughter in law. We had a wonderful weekend together. We spent most of our time together that weekend hanging out and chatting, eating good food, and playing cards and other games. A big highlight for me was Saturday morning. My son is a bigger, taller, fitter, stronger person who bears an uncanny resemblance to his ‘ol dad. He can beat me at anything, and often does! Well, almost anything – I’m still a better runner. But he’s been making strides in that area, too. He doesn’t have the love for it I do, so that has a big effect. However, he does recognize the benefits, so he’s been working on it. And, while we were there, we got out for a 4-mile run that I really enjoyed and he didn’t hate. From this dad’s perspective, it was awesome!! Definitely, for me, a highlight of our adult relationship.

And then, later that day, as the four of us were playing cards together, he shared the news that his sweet wife is expecting!! Y’all, I’m gonna be a Grumpy!! Then my son and his wife talked us through the plan they had to share the news with our daughter and her hubby by sending them “Best Aunt Ever” and “Best Uncle Ever” mugs – which they did. And we all waited with great anticipation for when we could all talk about it together.

It was awesome! Our daughter was beside herself with joy for her brother and sister-in-law! She erupted with squeals and laughter and tears! Truly beautiful moments, which we all had the privilege to share.

A few days later, our daughter and son-in-law called us on FaceTime. They had just spent a couple days on a mini vacation in a tiny house, and wanted to share about it with us. We were on my wife’s phone for FaceTime while they were sending some photos of their weekend to my phone. And then, while we were looking through the photos, they sent one more of the two of them. In the photo, our daughter was holding a white wand-looking thing that had the word “positive” on it in digital letters, and both of them had huge smiles on their faces.

Yup.

They, too, are expecting!!

I was a little beside myself. Two pregnancies!?! So close together! Then, not gonna lie, I was the one squealing and crying!

I’m gonna be twice as Grumpy!! And that’s a good thing. A really, really good thing.

Both moms-to-be are now several weeks into their pregnancies. Both have now gone through their first “baby doctor” appointment, and everything is progressing smoothly for them both. And…get this… their due dates are basically the same. How’s that for incredible!

I dunno how my wife and I are going to work it all out. We don’t live exactly near either couple. We can drive to be with our son and daughter-law for the birth of their child. We’ll have to fly to be with our daughter and son-in-law. The logistics are a bit daunting. We’ll work it out, no doubt.

Meanwhile, we are celebrating BIG TIME! In fact, I started writing this blog weeks ago after we first got the news. As I now get ready to post, we are – all six plus two – enjoying a few days together and celebrating our daughter’s college graduation, Mother’s Day, a few birthdays that have happened or will happen, and the awesomeness that is two simultaneous pregnancies!!

I’ve been meeting weekly for a while now with my online Confessional Community. This is a group of people I consider very safe, and with whom I have been able to tell my story at a deep and vulnerable level. Over the last several months, they have been a huge blessing to me! This week I relayed to them, with far less rabbit chasing, my Cat’s Cradle story. What they reflected back to me helped me see my story more truly. One of them said “your dad missed out on the something special just the two of you could’ve had”. This hit me pretty hard.

It’s true. There really hasn’t been that “something special” between us, ever. We got off to a really rocky start, and it’s never been smooth since. And sure, I now live with him, but still, everything we do is on his terms and based on his abilities, which are now very minimal.

There was one attempt, years ago, in creating that something special. It has become a sort-of icon, heralding the attempt and highlighting the reality. It’s an old truck. In fact, a 1961 Chevrolet C10 Apache with a “straight six” motor and 3-speed manual transmission. It’s an old farm truck, really, with just two doors, a stepside bed, and the spare tire mounted behind the driver’s door.

This truck was gonna be our thing. And not just ours, but my son’s too. The idea was that it could be a 3-generation project truck we all would work on, together. More than 15 years ago, my dad, son, and I drove several hours together to look at the truck, and then my dad purchased it on the spot. I drove it onto the trailer. We hauled it back to his home, and I drove it into his barn, where it has been sitting ever since. Dad, who is always the guy who reads the entire owner’s manual before attempting anything – whether it’s a vehicle, toaster or a can opener, said he needed to do some research first before launching into working on the truck.

I guess he’s still doing research.

The truck won’t start now. The battery is certainly dead, but the motor won’t turn over, even with battery power. And, a leak has developed in the fuel tank – which is basically right behind the seat. So, it’s not safe to drive anyway. It’s parked, with tires rotting, in the same barn where we keep mowing equipment and other stuff. I see it every time I get out the mower. It just sits there, looking forlorn. It makes me sad.

Maybe someday my son and I will have the chance to work on it together…maybe we’ll just scrap it after dad dies. We have our own something special. It’s called relationship.

Harry Chapin released the album Verities and Balderdash in 1973. This album has nine songs – 44 minutes worth of music.

My dad wouldn’t have ever listened to that album. He was a working widower with two young children to raise, so buying albums was a luxury he simply couldn’t afford. He was also a good Christian, in the height of the Jesus Movement era, and that meant he didn’t listen to non-church music, or for that matter anything that had a drum beat to it.

The first, and most played, track on Chapin’s irreverent album is Cat’s in the Cradle. This song is likely a huge nod to Kurt Vonnegut’s satirical sci-fi novel, Cat’s Cradle, published in 1963. In it, Vonnegut satirizes both religious and scientific institutions, basically stating in a very postmodern sense that truth does not exist. Or maybe, that it doesn’t matter?

For me, the irony in making that assertion is that, in a sense, Vonnegut is still stating a truth – or at least his own perspective of what he thinks to be true. Also, his assertion lines up rather well with a writer from nearly 3,000 years ago, who penned in the book of Ecclesiastes that “Everything is meaningless”, (and that there are really no new ideas). So, Vonnegut wasn’t really saying anything new.

In the novel, the Cat’s Cradle is string art. You know…when someone makes different shapes and configurations out of a loop of string or yarn? Yeah. The basic first pattern many people learn to make is actually called cat’s cradle.

Vonnegut’s book was actually banned by a school board in Ohio in 1972. Is it coincidence that Chapin released a song about it a year later? I think that’s unlikely.

However, there’s also an old Dutch story named The Cat and the Cradle, which is a story of a little orphan girl, and the protection she received from a cat. It also seems very much like “Christian propaganda”. I found it somewhat fascinating, but maybe not something we would read to our children these days. If you want to hear someone read it on YouTube, here’s a link. There’s even a reference to Santa Clause in the story!

But what’s the “silver spoon” line about in Chapin’s song? It’s (simply or maybe not) about the cost of privilege. The song is one of both lament and warning. Chasing after our dreams can be costly. The highest cost of privilege is often relationship, but there can be other costs. And, there are other risks to relationship besides privilege.

Cat’s Cradle, the song, is all about the dysfunctional relationship between a dad and a son. It really resonates with me.

My dad was poor and widowed when I was young. I didn’t see him much. And, what choice did he have? He went to work, I went to daycare. On the weekends, he went to church and I went to childcare. That was how my first six years were. I wish he’d picked up Chapin’s album, or that somewhere along the way someone would’ve taught him the truth of Cat’s in the Cradle.

He just wasn’t really ever there. This turned to mistrust and resentment for me. I wanted a relationship with him, but he was unreliable. Sometimes, he was abusive. I couldn’t risk trusting him.

Later, after he was remarried and all his hard work as a salesman began paying off, my dad took a lot of trips. Sometimes overnight, often just day trips around the area where we lived. They were always business trips. Even when he brought me or the whole family along, he always found a way to include some element of work or stop to visit a client or potential client. I did not enjoy riding with him, but there was a time when he did bring me along frequently. We only talked about what he wanted to talk about and went where he chose to go. This was how he could justify that he was spending time with me.

I drove my dad to a medical appointment yesterday. This was not where he wanted to go, but we still only talked about what he wanted to talk about. I felt the old resentment building as I drove and listened to him talk.

…when ya comin home, dad, I don’t know when…but we’ll get together then…you know we’ll have a good time then…

Oh, and if you haven’t ever listened to Verities and Balderdash, I find it pretty interesting, thoughtful, satirical, sad, intriguing, and funny. I think my favorite song on the album would have to be Six String Orchestra – for the fun of it! I just sent the link to my son – I think he’ll enjoy it. Starting this weekend, I’ll also very much enjoy spending several days with him, my daughter, their spouses, and my wife. No cats (though he has a couple), no cradles (yet), and no silver spoons.

Whoo!! The swirly bits are all up above my head this morning, like a swarm of hummingbirds! Not a flock – because hummingbirds are solo creatures, but they do very much swarm around a food source!

What I’m saying is that there’s a lot going on in me, internally, while I’m currently sitting entirely still. I feel very indecisive! There are many things – many good things – commanding my attention, and I feel like a cat swatting at mosquitoes right now, trying to latch onto something – anything!

There are a few podcasts on my listen-to list. A few guys I want to touch base with. Some writing I want to do (not related to my blogs). Laundry to wash. Well…okay, I’ve already started the laundry.

And then there’s part of me that just wants to jump on my motorcycle and go for a nice intensity hit!

Still, here I sit. Almost paralyzed by indecision. Good thing my thumbs still work.

So, I’m starting by writing this blog! Typically, this helps me find focus. As I like to say, it helps the swirly bits to land. Dr. Dan Siegel talks about this with the great phrase “Name it to Tame it”. And literally, I’m feeling some calm settle over me as I’m writing, and just naming how unsettled I feel and recognizing some of the sources. Isn’t neuroscience awesome!

If you’re still with me, thanks for hanging in there. “But wait, there’s more!” I have an update to share:

I’ve heard back from both of the online graduate school programs. The larger school that specializes in online learning gave me full acceptance – all without ever speaking to a single human. This is encouraging, and also insightful. Were I to enroll, I feel certain my educational experience would be very do-it-yourself. While I feel confident enough that I could go that route, I’m definitely more drawn to the smaller school. I’ve had some good interactions with actual people there, and the program is designed for connection. I’m grateful to say this program has invited me to take the next step, which is a short video interview early next month. I immediately accepted their invitation, and I’m hoping the result of the meeting will be full acceptance into the program. The larger school has definitely become my backup option.

Whew…I feel so much calmer now!

I think I still will hop on the motorcycle for a while and go for a relaxing ride – right after this laundry finishes drying!

It’s Sunday.

Again, today, my wife and I are going to visit the campus of yet another church. Hopefully, we’ll get to meet some of the actual church, too.

In September of last year, I wrote a post on my other blog in response to a Substack post by Jemar Tisby. In it, I shared that I’ve experienced some church hurt in my lifetime. Honestly, I experienced spiritual abuse and spiritual bypass before I was old enough to know. And, it’s only been in recent years that I have come to realize the truth of it all.

It has been nearly six years since we were part of a church where we felt like we belonged. And then, we suddenly didn’t. There were many reasons, but they all happened at once. Then there was a pandemic, and a lot of transition, followed by more church hurt and then more transition. It is hard not to just give up on “going to church” altogether. And yet we try. The only way to have community is to seek it.

Who knows, maybe this will be one…

Today is day 108 of 366. It’s kinda fun just writing that down. First, we’re over 100 days into the year! Pretty cool. And, this is a leap year. I dunno why, exactly, but I think leap years are more fun than ordinary 365-day years.

Did you know? Leap year has been a thing since before we started marking the years with A.D. or Anno Domini. In fact we can thank Julius Caesar for the introduction of Leap Year in 45 B.C. The month of July is named after ‘ol JC and August is named after – you guessed it – Augustus Caesar. Also, there was something called the “final year of confusion” in 46 B.C. that lasted 445 days! Craziness. There’s a lot more confusing stuff that happened with the calendar in days (and years) past. For instance, in 1752 A.D. when Britain officially swapped their calendar, Sept. 2 was followed by Sept. 14. I’m grateful to not be living in those days!

At some point during today, we’ll reach the point of 30% completion for the year 2024 A.D. Even with the extra day in February! And for me, this year just keeps getting better! It’s more than “just” the fact that I can say I’ve been in recovery and sober every day of this year. But that’s pretty great, too. I’m feeling a lot of gratitude. Even being able to notice what I’m feeling is pretty fantastic! I’m also pretty stoked this is not a 445 day year! Whew! One extra day will do.