I heard someone talking about “healthy shame” vs “unhealthy shame”, and as he was talking, I felt my chest getting tighter, my heart rate increasing, my breathing become more rapid.

Something inside of me has a huge problem with the notion that shame can be healthy. It feels, in my body and in my mind, very wrong. I went searching for what the experts have to say about this, and I don’t think there’s anyone more expert than Brené Brown. I mean, from her own mouth, Brené is a “shame researcher”.

I had to speak up and say I don’t believe shame is ever healthy. Every instance of shame I’ve experienced has been very unhealthy. Brené agrees.

“When I started this research I wasn’t sure about the distinction I had seen drawn between good shame and bad shame….It didn’t take very long for me to reach the conclusion that there is nothing positive about shame. In any form, in any context and through any delivery system, shame is destructive. The idea that there are two types, healthy shame and toxic shame, did not bear out in any of my research.”

— I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough” by Brené Brown

I’m pretty convinced that shame is never good, and never a good strategy or method of teaching or learning.

“When we start to explore the concept that all shame is bad and destructive, it really forces us to reevaluate how we use shame to parent, how we use shame to fight with partners and, on a community and societal level, how we use shame to punish. In a world that still falls back on “You should be ashamed of yourself,” “Shame on you” and “Have you no shame?” the time has come to explore the possibility that we are safer in a world where people aren’t mired in shame.” – Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me

My wife and I went to dinner last night with my brother and his wife. We were enjoying a good time together, catching up and sharing stories. And then we got to talking about “how things were” back when we were kids. He shared one story that brought him to tears! To see him, a rather commanding presence of a 50-something year old man, spontaneously burst into tears over a story from 45 years ago was really moving for me! It was a “funny” story – now. So some of those tears were shared in laughter. But it was really touching, too! It was about the first night after my dad and his mom got married, and an experience of “little t”trauma that he went through, thanks to the rigidity of my dad.

Though we were required from day 1 to refer to one another just as brother, in my mind he’s always been my stepbrother. After all, his mom married my dad. He joined my family. But a switch went off in my head last night.

To him, I was the stepbrother.

It didn’t matter to him who was marrying whom. I was the outsider in his world. I was the younger kid. The wide-eyed, clueless little doofus he now had to share his mom with. He had been on this planet longer, had more perspective, and was more well-adjusted than I. As far as he knew, he had a pretty good thing going, and now that had been shattered by this imposing, rigid man and his two kids.

Why have I never thought of this until now? I knew no other way. I had experienced loss, abandonment, grief, rigidity, and abuse up to the point our two families combined. This is textbook compound trauma. It was all I knew. I had a very small point of view – one designed by me to protect me, as best I knew how. So it’s no wonder I didn’t have room to perceive that, yes, this kid who had entered my life had also been terribly disrupted by my entrance into his life. And then, for 45 years, I just went with it.

Until I saw the real pain in his eyes last night.

I don’t know yet what to make of it. For sure, it was a pivotal moment for me. I’m kind of embarrassed by it. How could I be so blind for so long?? But I’m also really glad it happened. I just now sent him a text, thanking him for sharing. I feel like my world just got bigger!

I started this blog as a place to express and even work through the inner landscape of my mind – especially around this unwanted addiction I discovered. Since that time, I’ve also been in weekly therapy sessions, in regular group recovery meetings, and I’ve been writing almost daily on my other blog. Some of my early posts on this blog were pretty raw and rough! I needed to get that stuff out, and I’m glad I could do that here. My hope has been more than just getting it out. I wanted other people who might be experiencing a similar story to see me wrestle with my own, with hopes that it would possibly provide, well, hope! I am experiencing real recovery, and I that is available for anyone who is willing to do the work.

My posts here have, for the most part, been written from a specific perspective – a first-person, inside my own mind, point of view. Along the way, I linked my first blog to this one, and then began to share more about my addiction struggles on that site as well.

I think there’s still more to be written here. But I’m struggling to write only from that singular POV. It’s time for a recalibration. Of course, all I can really share, with any honesty or integrity, is my own experience. As I’ve done recently, I can also share when I find writing from others that I really connect with. I’ve done a lot of reading as part of my recovery. There are some great authors and articles out there! For instance, I use the phrase “unwanted behaviors” because I read that in Dr. Jay Stringer’s book, Unwanted. I included a link to that book on my “wanted” resource page as well.

What I’m lacking, in my recovery journey, is a synthesis of the different things I’ve learned and how they’ve led me to deconstruct and rebuild the frame through which I navigate life. Moving forward, on this blog I will endeavor to share more about what I’ve learned – not that I’ve learned everything there is, or even everything I need, to experience full recovery. I am sober today, and I have been for many days now. But sobriety is not the same as recovery – it’s just one (important) component.

I sometimes wonder why I bother blogging at all. What good does it really do? This is the question I often find myself thinking. I think this is more of a critic / self preserving persona showing up within me. And I can appreciate and even validate the thought. But blogging has done and is doing me a lot of good. If nothing else, just getting things out of my mind and into complete sentences takes right-brain thinking, which I need to do more as I work to become more integrated – in my mind and body. So, I’ll keep on writing.

In her latest post, Aimee Byrd starts by saying “It’s that season of the year when all of the theo-dude bros want to start telling women what they should not wear.”

I found this quote particularly compelling:

“The real nakedness that we need to concern ourselves with are our faces. We are called to do this, to welcome the face, to really see the nakedness of the other’s face, and rise to the demands of it.”

As someone who is a recovering “sex addict”, I can have my struggles with seeing parts of the human body independently from the person, and that can lead to a negative shame spiral. Through my recovery work, I’ve learned to recognize my “addiction” as a symptom and not the root problem. Largely because of my formation story, which includes the trauma, loss, and abuse I endured, I built a broken framework through which I navigated the world around me. Part of that framework was a disordered understanding of intimacy. I’ve discovered my authentic need to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure (thanks Dr. Dan Siegel), and I’m learning how to seek those things in healthy ways. Dr. Curt Thompson teaches that everyone is born “looking for someone looking for us”. So Aimee Byrd is exactly right to say we are pursuing and concerned about the “wrong kind of naked”. As I have learned to be emotionally vulnerable and authentic, in community with other men and especially with my wife – but also in other, safe ways (like through blogging), then those needs of seen, soothed, safe, and secure happen in me and entirely replace the broken framework and the shame that I’ve “fought against” for so long. I can now say that I’m not ashamed to view the beautiful design of God’s image bearers around me – male and female. And I’m learning the beauty of, as she writes so well, “welcoming the face and inviting the nakedness of the other’s face”.

The image comes directly from Aimee’s blog. I encourage you to read it in full for yourself:

The Wrong Kind of Naked

I recently read this study about the correlation between ADHD, porn use, and hypersexuality. While I found it to be interesting, there wasn’t much in the way of useful take-aways. So much study and research, so little information. Honestly, they could’ve just asked me! It might, however, be useful to help me – and others like me – recognize that what we’re experiencing is pretty normal (for someone with a neurodivergent brain).

The summary quote is:

“The main take-home message from our study is that when individuals are assessed for ADHD in clinical settings, hypersexuality-related measures (and problematic pornography use related measures in the case of men) should also be administered.”

Okay, and what would that be??

This study is “theoretically relevant” and has “great importance”, but seems to lack much in the way of application.

I would definitely agree there’s a correlation between my adhd / hyperactivity and my hypersexuality, which began with porn use. For me, I wonder if my ADHD began because of “nature” (my brain developed this way in utero) or “nurture” (directly connected to my development as a very young child).

In my process of self discovery, through reading, research, listening to podcasts, and going to support groups, I’ve learned that I developed an insecure attachment style as a child. This was, in part, due to the lack of nurture & attunement I received. And these factors predisposed me to hypersexuality – seeking nurture and attunement, or their cheap substitutes, in any form I could find them! I think it’s also plausible that these things brought about my perceived need to be highly (hyper) aware of my surroundings, and definitely precluded me to daydreaming / dissociation as a form of hypo-arousal / self protection.

I’ve never once taken ADHD meds. I ended up on a limited diet from grade school through high school. It was basically “clean eating” before there was such a thing. But with more restrictions. I have to say, it definitely helped, when I didn’t manage to find something to eat that was off-list.

More recently, I’ve found additional ways to help. While the studies may not include “measures” to be “administered”, I’ve learned some that are helping me. They include:

• Reading up about and practicing Emotional Agility – thank you, Dr. Susan David!
• Learning how to attune to myself, to “parent my inner child”
• Practicing vulnerability and intimacy with other men through my Silas, this group, and Samson Society.
• It also has been really helpful to have a therapist who attunes well with me. I’ve found the EMDR work we’ve done to be particularly helpful
• Mindfulness & meditation
• Self care & compassion (even acceptance)

There are other things, and I’m still learning – for sure, but I’ll stop here and ask – what about you??

I almost went there yesterday.

Today is Mother’s Day.

I suck at Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Halloween. I’d rather just not.

My son and his wife are with us this weekend. It has been a really good time together. Yet…I was close to dissociative in moments yesterday. I found myself drifting in & out of conversations, realizing I’d missed large chunks but doing my best to just stay in there!

Agitation. Tight chest. Wheezing.

A brief moment of isolation.

My mind wandered in that direction. Reached toward unwanted behavior.

I recognized it in my body.

Slow breaths. Notice what’s around me. Start writing.

Writing. Reconnecting. Integrating. Relaxing.

Showing back up. Being present.

Today, I can say almost.

Today I’m feeling the glitter of grief, and then feeling guilt for feeling grief. Not just guilt, though. There’s shame mixed in as well.

I should’ve known better.

I can never make it right with or for them.

I wounded myself in the process. Isn’t that worth grieving too?

How I wish I’d never…

I needed a shoulder to steady myself and reached out to my sponsor. He encouraged me to stay in the grief, don’t just move around or past it.

“The inconvenient thing about grief is that you can’t get it all out in one sitting.”

So true. But I can sit in it for a while, today.

I need to feel the sorrow. It can be my teacher.