21 years ago on this date, there was a reckoning. Yes. This date. Valentine’s Day. Yes, that reckoning. I handed my wife a “gift” she never wanted, and certainly didn’t deserve; a shitload of betrayal trauma. And it wasn’t wrapped up very neatly, either. In fact, I told her “mostly” the truth, and still hid some facets of the story. The rest of the truth (about that betrayal) “leaked out” over the next year or so. And then, 17 years after the first time, I did it again.
We know, now, the how and why behind it. The healing has come for both of us, over time. It’s still coming for us. I don’t have words to express the gratitude I have for how it’s gone. I know it could’ve gone any number of different ways.
We don’t really “celebrate” Valentine’s Day. We got out to celebrate Shrove Tuesday last night. Went to a restaurant where they were playing some great jazz and blues music – though maybe a little louder than necessary, it was super enjoyable to just hang out and be together.
This morning, we started with yoga together, and then just sitting and being with one another and listening to some music for a while.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds”. Psalm 147:3
We don’t celebrate Valentines Day. Celebrate isn’t the right word for it. There’s a heaviness, for us, to this day. But there’s something else, too. A sweetness? A sort of peace that doesn’t make sense?
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7
One of the songs we heard this morning is a new one from Ellie & Drew Holcomb: Brick by Brick. It’s been a long, painful process. But like the song says, the prison walls have been torn down, and in its place a home has been built. Theres still some work to be done, but it’s home – and it’s ours. Anywhere we are, I’m alright.
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Note: if you or someone you know finds themself dealing with betrayal trauma, I want to point you to a blog I’ve been following for a while now. It’s the Sex Addiction Partners blog.
unwanted 
Both you and your wife have shown courage by being honest with each other, and staying together through difficult times. None of us are infallible! Thank God for forgiveness and healing! I am so glad that you both have peace now. Your story will encourage others!
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Thank you, Heather, for being an encouragement to me.
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Thank YOU for helping me navigate this journey through trauma.
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Honored. 🥹
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A Perfect Valentine’s Story💕 Especially once we realize that, after Cinderella and the Prince entered into their Castle of Love, to live their happily ever after, everything wasn’t wine 🍷and roses. 🌹They had hardships and marital issues, just like everybody else. But were the two of them able to overcome their troubles, and remain standing, together?? That’s the question!!
You and Your Wife Are Over-comers in Christ‼️
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.] (Jn 16:33)
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Indeed, Tamara. Indeed.
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Gratitude, self-awareness, healing and good music — and “A peace that doesn’t make sense”. I get that. Thanks, David. 🥰
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Thank you, Vicki. 😊
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You write so well about the internal struggle and its effects on the spirit, the psyche. The word choices, the semantics , dripping with emotion, with despair, and with hope and a willingness to put one foot in front of the other, every time it happens. The wheel keeps turning, doesn’t it.
Cycles have been a huge part of my adult life, being stuck and repeating scenes time and again. It’s hard, learning the lessons to stop the grinding of the wheel which keeps rolling… but not impossible.
Do you find writing this helps with healing? Or, I should say, writing for public consumption? Do you desire feedback or does it simply help validate your own personal feelings in terms of the effort you are putting into healing, moving forward by having the words out there rather than just in a private notebook for your eyes only?
Addiction is such a multifaceted phenomenon. I admire people (you) who find eloquent ways to write about their journey.
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Thank you, Claudette. I’m honored and encouraged by your words and the time you took to express them. That grinding of the wheel…I felt it.
I would say, to your question, that I write to first get this stuff in my head to land somewhere. And a very close second would be that it does, simply yet profoundly validate my feelings and perspective when others resonate with what I share. And I also have a hope that someone else may read and feel less alone, less ashamed of their own cycles – maybe even more known and cared for.
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