shutdown

3am. Still awake. Sleep is not happening. I’m so weary. So effed.

God, just kill me now. I can’t face this.

5:45am

She’s headed to the gym. I’ll go for a run. That should help.

This run sucks! Legs of lead. Head won’t clear. Can’t breathe. Maybe a car will hit me.

Maybe the shower will help.

Nothing helps.

I can’t go to work. I can’t not go. Gotta move on. Pretend. She doesn’t need to know.

Bye, have a good day. I love you.

Love you.

Liar. That’s not love. I can’t do this. God, please take me now. No good can come from this. Just take me now.

Dial a friend. I effed up.

Again?

Yes. Again.

“You have to tell her and take it from there. It starts with truth”.

I’m still home. We need to talk. Yes, now.

She’s home. Here goes.

I effed up. You knew I would. You even warned me. You were right.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I won’t ask you to forgive me. Not now. Not again. I knew what I was doing. I didn’t even try to stop myself. I know I’ve ruined EVERYTHING! Was my life really so bad? We had a good thing going. I’m a dumbass.

No anger. No tears. No recognition.

Total shutdown.

“How could you? Again? I don’t have time for this. And now? We have too much going on! I need to get back to work. I have too much going on.”

What do you want me to do? What do you need me to do? I’ll move out. I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ll go to counseling. I’ll call someone. Our pastor? A friend? The chaplain at work? Whatever you need.

“I don’t know what I need, but I’ve got to get back to work.”

Work. There goes my job. No way it will survive this!

I’m such a fool. This is going to destroy everything! It has no end.

“Call the chaplain, I guess. I need to leave. I’ve got work to do.”

Call him.

That’s all she wants. Just call him.

I can’t.

I must.

He answered. He never answers.

Bawling like a baby. Can’t get the words out. I’m so effed up.

“I’ll be right over”.