I’m anxious. It’s a low, persistent anxiety that stays with me almost always. The best way to describe it would be like waiting for a letter to arrive, day after day, but the box remains empty.
Though this tends to be a normative state for me, I am waiting for something. In this case, it’s electronic mail, not physical mail. Or maybe a phone call.
In the last couple of weeks, I’ve “put myself out there” in different ways. I reached out to a person via email. I asked to be part of a group via a website. And I responded to an email about a possible job. In all three situations, there’s nothing more I can do but wait.
I know there are a whole host of reasons why it’s possible I’ve heard nothing back. I can left-brain a long list for each scenario. Meanwhile, my right brain is telling me that it’s me.
In each scenario, it’s possible I shared too much up-front and ruined any chance of going further. This eats me up! How can I be me, if I’m not me? But what if I’m just too much? This is always the thought at the heart of it. It’s not even so much a thought as a feeling. It’s based on…well, my life so far. The brain uses past experiences to predict future outcomes, and that informs present thoughts, emotions, and actions. I’ve had enough past experiences of being too much, and the ambiguous loss that brings.
I’m waiting for some proof that I’m different. Regardless how much I know the internal landscape of me has changed, I still want external acceptance. And, yeah, I have to be truthful with myself and say that even writing this out is a form of seeking validation. But I also very much write because it is beneficial, soothing, cathartic. So I’m going with it.
They say “the proof is in the pudding”. I feel a little less pudding-like, having written this. I am breathing easier. I am calmer. The swirly bit have landed, for now.
unwanted 
Glad you feel a little better. I think we all think things like that sometimes. I do. We all want to be accepted, I find I feel better when I place less and less importance on the acceptance of people. I know I am already accepted.❤️
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Thank you. And yes, that is true for me as it is for you.
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An empty mailbox is devastating. I feel that pain.
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Thanks, Willow. 😊
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I feel you, journaling or blogging has stopped quite a few spiraling moments for me as well.
I can also relate to the anxiety surrounding things not working out and wondering what caused it. It’s natural to think something you did or said must be the cause for the rejection, setback, or delay. I remind myself that there’s a high probability that the issue has nothing to do with me. I’ve spent plenty of time ruminating only to find out the issue was a miscommunication or schedule issue, & I had wasted part of my life doubting myself for nothing.
I hope you hear from them soon… but even if you don’t, you’re not too much.
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Thank you, Desiree. I see you, seeing me.
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Every time I come home after spending time with anyone, I second guess everything I did and said, and think I am just too much some times… I catch myself saying “Well, at least God thinks I am not too much”. Wait a minute… I should be saying I am glad that I was made in Gods image… just like He made me… You are Enough David! If you walk beside God, he will bless whatever your hand touches my friend… trust that He has blessings that you cannot fathom…
hugs…
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Thank you, Wiwohka. I know you get it.
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more than I can put in words brother
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Ugh!!! This is beautiful and so so true! 💕 Love this.
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Thank you for sharing this. ❤️ I totally feel this. I know you’re anxious in the waiting, but I’m excited for your new opportunities and pray that these new experiences are able to help heal some of our old crummy ways of thinking. I know exactly what you mean by needing to see proof of otherwise. Oof do I feel that. I love hearing your stories and really appreciate knowing that others have similar journeys.
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You’re welcome. I started to erase that several times…it feels weird to say. But also, thank you. 😊
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Sending hopeful thoughts your way. ❤️
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Thanks, Victoria 😊
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Oh, waiting is so hard – especially when you’ve put yourself out there. Thank goodness writing helps. Hope it all works out! 🙂
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Waiting is one thing… feeling “ghosted” is another…enough ambiguous loss already, please!?
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Our insecurities can be so loud at times- I often have silence them so I can hear the voice of truth. I feel you right here. Let us know how it unfolds.✨
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Thank you for the accord. 😊 I’ve been practicing befriending my loud voices, maybe asking them to chill, or tell them I hear them and they’re safe. Learning, in essence, to re-parent those parts of me that are insecure. It seems to help. And, just acknowledging what I’m feeling, going through, is really valuable too. You are helping me collaborate.
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For me, anxiety is like that dream where you’re falling but you never wake up. That’s how I feel when I’m anxious.
It’s great you’re putting yourself out there more, I know that’s not an easy thing to do with anxiety lurking at the back of your mind. Hope everything works out well and do let us know when you hear back from them.
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Ugh… that dream…that feeling…
We’ll see. I still don’t necessarily think I’ll get any response. But if I do, I’ll probably write about it! 😏
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Good luck!
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