off track

I took the above photo earlier this year, while waiting for the Metra (train) to take my family and me from West Chicago into the heart of the city. I like the visual symmetry of it.

In recovery, we often talk about “staying between the rails”. What are those rails? I’ve found there are a few “sets”, really. I don’t think the tracks are nearly as straight as those in the photo above. There are a lot of twists and turns in recovery – as in life!

Even so, I’ve been feeling pretty confident in and pleased with my forward progress. The components that have built the tracks for my recovery include reading books, listening to podcasts, regular meetings and conversations with others, journaling, blogging, story work, somatic practices, mindfulness and meditation. And, of course, weekly therapy sessions as long as my schedule allows. I’m still doing all those things, but something changed. Somewhere along the journey, I’ve gotten off track.

Near the beginning of this year, I was working through recovery as best I could, then I came to a point where I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. This was when I sought out a therapist, and progress soon resumed. I was so grateful and relieved!

But here I am, again.

I had a frank discussion with my therapist yesterday. We agreed that the two tracks I’ve been building my recovery upon are learning and application. And I’ve been chugging along at a pretty rapid pace! Problem is, construction of the learning rail has outpaced the application rail, while I’ve still been going full steam ahead! I am “suddenly” finding myself out of steam and teetering precariously on only one rail. And, I’m juggling all the stuff I’ve been trying to learn about trauma, adhd, and grief – while wobbling on that one rail!

I need to slow down. I must! I’ve got to back up and work on the application rail!

I have a plan for that, too. I’m taking a pause on reading any new recovery-related books, and I don’t plan to even listen to new podcasts for a while. I will continue the other components, though blogging will likely slow down. I’ve been writing something daily for over a month now – often just answering the daily prompt on my other blog. It was a fun experiment, but at this point on the recovery path, it’s not good for me to continue that pace. I need to slow down. I will slow down.

There’s something really calming in just writing that.

One of the books I read, in my haste for learning was Try Softer by Aundi Kolber. At the end of each chapter, she includes some questions for application – which I breezed right past! I have decided to circle back, starting today, and deliberately work through those questions. I feel a lot of resistance coming up, even as I write out that commitment. I don’t really want to slow down, and I feel anxious about my ability to do the work. This just tells me how much I need it!

So, here goes…