all the lifelines

Are you familiar with the Who Wants to be a Millionaire TV show? I knew it had been around a while, but had to look it up to find out it has been running since 1999. Hosted originally by Regis Philbin, it has been going in some format for quite a long time now! I mean, not nearly as long as Wheel of Fortune, but still…a long time!

I haven’t watched that show in a good while – probably not since Regis stopped hosting. But, there’s an aspect of the show that I have used in conversation and in daily life since then.

The lifelines.

The game is pretty simple. The host asks a question, with a monetary value attached to it. There are four multiple choice answers from which to choose. The contestant selects an answer. If the contestant gets the answer right, they move on to the next question – which has a higher monetary value. If I recall correctly, there are certain values that, once they get the question correct, became “locked in” – so these were guaranteed amounts. Eventually, the highest amount that could be achieved would be one million dollars. The questions asked by the host start out pretty easy, but continue to get harder as the monetary value increases. And when the contestant selects an answer, the host would ask “Final Answer?”. The contestant would reply “Final Answer”, and then they would find out if they’d chosen correctly or not – often with a lot of suspenseful waiting and holding their breath. Heck, I can remember holding my breath, just watching!

I would probably hope to become a “thousandaire”, were I to be a contestant. Those questions get really difficult, and quite obscure! Like, if I walked away with over 20 grand, that would feel like a pretty big win.

But back to the lifelines…these were a way for a contestant who was unsure of an answer to increase their chances of being able to keep going further in the show. As I recall, the three original lifelines included “phone a friend”, “ask the audience”, and “50/50” (take away two wrong answers, giving them a 50/50 chance to get it right). When used strategically, the contestant could often advance quite a bit further into the game. If used poorly, well…that usually ended up with “game over”.

Yesterday, (as I wrote about), I started out on what felt like less than firm footing. Journaling and writing about it helped. I felt better, more centered. And then I didn’t. It was like playing Who Wants to Be Sober. Throughout the day, the challenge became increasingly difficult. I employed every tactic and resource I could to combat it, and still, the struggle just got harder!

I really felt like I used all my lifelines! I journaled, I blogged, I changed my location. I exercised. I practiced mindfulness. I prayed. I read scripture. I texted a friend. I phoned a friend. I occupied my mind on positive things. I stayed busy. I listened to calming and uplifting music. And yet still, I was absolutely jonesing for a fix – something awful! And for me, that fix can be had through just opening a web browser, typing in a word, or phrase. I know that fix comes with a really heavy down side. Cognitively I knew there was no part of me that would truly be happy or satisfied with that “fix”. But emotionally, I just didn’t care. I wanted it! And I can’t “fix” my emotional instability with cognitive reasoning. It just doesn’t work like that! Towards the end of the day, I absolutely just white-knuckeled it. And that is a really poor strategy, especially long-term. But when I know if I can just hold on another half hour and relief will be coming via the presence of and communication with my wife, white knuckling as a last resort sometimes is just enough. And, gratefully, it was.

You might think I feel like a millionaire today, having withstood that challenge. I don’t. I feel humbled, small, weak, and still tired. I also feel safe, today. And grateful. But wow…this addiction stuff really sucks. I’m reminded of a song by Rich Mullins, We Are Not As Strong As We Think We Are.

There’s a term for this: Addiction Recovery Fatigue. I’m very much feeling just tired today – on the verge of tears, very aware that I could easily snap if provoked. Feeling a need to stay small, stay within myself. How can I get more lifelines? I know I need to keep doing the work of recover. I don’t have the option of game over. This is not a game, it’s my life – my legacy!

Right now I just want to rest.