get it out

Today, I was met with frustration and disillusionment the moment I awoke. Physically, it was this knot in the middle of my chest. It was also this desire to run away, but with no idea where! Not really knowing why I felt that way, and realizing it put me in a disregulated, and disintegrated position, I didn’t want to talk about it just yet, either. If I had just started sharing my feelings with my wife, it would’ve likely passed along the disconnectedness to her, but also between us. Then I’d not just end up feeling worse, but I would’ve had reparative work to do with her as well.

So, I remained silent for the most part.

And I started writing. I use a password protected app on my phone as my journal. I identified the initial feelings of disillusionment and immediately thought “if you are disillusioned, then that means you have illusions”. So then I chased down what my illusions are and where they come from. Unrealistic expectations – mostly of myself. And then I chased down the sources for those, and the feelings behind them. In doing so, I began to experience the feelings unravel themselves, began to notice a settling within myself.

Writing has become a crucial component for my wellbeing. Like, honestly, for the longest time I felt as though running was my primary (possibly only) way of making it through difficult emotions. And while being physically active definitely helps me in countless ways, I think running can also have the affect of disconnecting me further from my emotions through getting that “runner’s high” and just not having to deal with the hard stuff. I’ve also had the experience of being able to better think through the hard stuff while out for a run. And then, I came home and – you guessed it – wrote it all out!

Sometimes, I don’t think I have much to say or write about. These are likely the times when I’m losing touch with myself – dissociating to some degree. But once I start writing, I find that the initial thoughts and feelings are usually covering other, deeper emotions. And if I don’t chase the spiral down, I’ll just follow it blindly – in the wrong direction.

A while back I saw a TED Talk from James Clear, writer of Atomic Habits. I don’t think this is the same talk. But in it he shares many of the same big take-aways I remember. One idea I remember is that he made the conscious decision to write – every day. And then he planned for it. It became a non-negotiable for him. He says “shut up and put your reps in”. So, that’s what I’ve been doing for a while now. I write. Pretty much every day. Sometimes it’s journaling, sometimes it’s micro-journaling. Most days, I blog. I don’t post every day on this site, but almost every day I will at least answer the daily prompt, on my other site.

It helps.

Like, a lot! My addiction has lost its grip. I have better things to do, better ways of dealing with stuff. I’m not going to say that writing alone has been the “fix”, but it had definitely created some healthier habits. And, as James Clear states so well,

“Habits are not only the method through which we achieve external measures of success…
…they are also the path through which we achieve internal change.“