redemption-ish

I was unable to keep my eyes open this afternoon and elected to take a nap, rather than sleep through an online support group meeting – one that I usually enjoy. But in fact, I found myself nodding off a bit during an earlier meeting and didn’t want to repeat myself.

Yesterday, in contrast, I ran a half marathon – meeting my goal of keeping it under two hours – and spent time in celebration with some of my extended family and their friends.

It was a bigger deal to me than that, though. I quit entering any running events after betraying myself and my wife with a female “running friend” five years ago. Well, except for one “virtual race” I entered during the worst of the COVID days, and then didn’t actually train for or complete.

Yesterday felt like redemption. I was in tears a few times while running – the feelings of gratitude and restoration were so overwhelming! Yesterday was big, and grand, and amazing.

Today has been a whimper. I slept for 10 hours last night, yet I’m still exhausted today – body, mind, and emotions. Seeking my familiar fix would, I must admit, be very pleasurable in this moment. The lie is that it could “kickstart” my emotions, but I know it would all come crashing in on me – and I’m dealing with enough feelings of “meaningless, meaningless” today.

I’m realizing that yesterday, I was outside my affect regulation Window of Tolerance – wayyy on the “high side”, in a hyper-arousal state. So I shouldn’t be surprised to find myself to be on the flip-side today – in a very low, hypo-arousal state. I’ve been able to practice enough self-compassion to stay out of the ditch, though it has taken me all day to fire up any curiosity about it. I guess that’s to be expected, considering my exhaustion. As for the third part of my recovery loop – connection- I’m endeavoring that, in part, through writing. And, I’m about to go for a short “recovery run” with my wife.

So, maybe the run wasn’t full redemption. More like redemption-ish?