passionate

I was pulled into a difficult conversation last week, with one person I perceive to be as a dangerous individual who is either not at all self-aware or potentially very self aware – which is the greater danger. The other person in the conversation was someone I highly respect and consider to be very self aware and safe. The purpose of the conversation was to give me the opportunity to voice some concerns I had about the way dangerous guy was doing some things which were having a negative and even destructive impact on a larger group of individuals for whom I care a great deal.

The conversation started out somewhat amicably. However, the pattern was that I would state a concern, and DG would bob & weave, duck and deflect. He had what seemed like rehearsed, practiced, reasonable-sounding answers that didn’t ever really address the core issues or at all ease my concerns.

Even before the conversation ever started, I felt pretty emotionally on-edge. The guy had already been very dismissive towards me in previous 1-1 interactions. My perception was that a rock might be more likely to receive what I was hoping to get across, but I had to try.

And, try I did. With zeal and passion, I addressed my concerns. The guy was unmoved, uncaring. I added more details, more passion, more reason. Nothing. I added some volume, changed my cadence, and when nothing else worked, threw in a couple of zingers just to try and get him on his heels. Safe guy cautioned me about my approach. He didn’t tell me my position was wrong. He did what he could to restate my concerns, in a calm fashion, and even stated he shares the same concerns. Still, the conversation basically went nowhere. Dangerous guy made a couple of what seemed like concessions, yet I had no sense that he actually meant what he was saying.

An hour later, we ended the conversation with safe guy saying we would need to continue watching dangerous guy to see if things change on his part, and if not further action would happen.

I felt completely wrung out, and still the emotions were welling up inside of me. I felt a lot of criticism building up towards myself regarding how I’d handled the whole conversation. Why couldn’t I be more like safe guy?? Why couldn’t I be more easy-going and level-headed?? Why did I have to be so effing passionate?? Maybe dangerous guy would’ve responded differently if I hadn’t been so worked up!!

This self-critical conversation took up significant square footage in my mind, for longer than I care to admit. But then, I found another story forming. Another voice reminded me that when I was a child, I wasn’t allowed to bring big feelings into the room without encountering additional pain. My dad couldn’t allow me to have big feelings, because this would bring a risk that he might feel something. He could not attune to my disregulation or my emotions, because that brought the risk of him becoming emotionally disregulated. He was the single parent, with no one to help him co-regulate. He was convinced he had to be dispassionate in order to cope with life. Feelings were dangerous. Passion was just not allowed. If I wanted to cry, he would give me something to cry about – because inflicting physical pain on me was always an option in order to avoid emotional distress within himself. He had to remain in control.

Of course I was feeling so down on myself. My formative story was heavily at play. The dispassionate, reflective response of dangerous guy very much reminded me of my dad. Of course I felt like my passion was too much, out of place. But here’s the deal: it’s not my fault my dad didn’t know how to deal with my big emotions when I was a child. It’s not my fault dangerous guy is unresponsive to an emotional plea.

I am passionate. I care deeply about others. I’m designed that way. It’s part of what makes me who I am. I can own that rather than shame or be upset with myself for it. I don’t need to carve off parts of myself in order to have value and worth, or to bring value to conversations. I don’t need to be less than who I am just to fit someone – anyone – else’s unrealistic idea of who I am – least of all, my own! I am passionate. I can be regulated, reasonable and passionate.

It’s never okay to say “this is just who I am, deal with it”. It’s not okay to bulldoze others with my passion. That would be no different than what my dad did to me – just on the other end of the spectrum. I have agency in how I show up with and for others. And, it’s quite okay for me to be the fully passionate, deeply caring person I am.