going nil

In a recent phone conversation, my son asked me about his grandpa / my dad. The truth is that grandpa is doing as well as could be expected, given his health conditions. His mobility is limited. He’s in pain all the time. I told my son that grandpa’s body has definitely kept the score, and the best he can hope for at this point is a limitation of pain, because it’s honestly not going to get better.

My son followed his mom (almost by accident) into the Social Work field. Because of the type of work he does daily, he’s only too knowledgeable of how trauma, left unattended, wreaks havoc on a person and can extend into entire family systems. And, he knows I’m earnestly practicing recovery – not just for my own health, but for my family’s as well.

After sharing the status update about his grandpa, my son told me “I have zero ACEs”. I know he said some other things, as did I, but my mind froze on that one statement.

You may recall, I wrote a post about ACEs not so long ago. In card games, having several aces is usually really great! Sometimes, though, it’s great to have zero aces – and in fact, if you’re not holding any (or very many) cards of high value, it might be a good time to “go nil”.

Other variations of the word “nil” that I’m aware of include “nillo” and “nello”. But nil is the only word actually appearing in the English dictionary, and the most commonly used. So, that’s what I’m going with!

To “go nil”, in the game of Spades for instance, means that the player does not want to receive any “tricks” or “books” during that round of play. If successful, the player is awarded with 100 points. If they are not, it’s a loss of 100 points.

Having zero aces can be a great thing in cards. Having zero ACEs is always a great thing in life! My son has zero ACEs! Nil! Zilch! Nada!

Hearing him say that brought tears of joy to my eyes and lump to my throat. Of course, it is not entirely up to the parents when it comes to children having adverse experiences. Outside forces sometimes enter unwelcome, no matter how intentional parents are in caring for the wellbeing of their children. In most situations, parents are truly doing the best they can with the situation they’ve been given. Sometimes, the adverse experiences can still happen. I’m grateful that is not the case for my son.

If you follow my other blog, you may recall another post I wrote some time ago, called fathers and sons. I am in this season of caring for my dad in the best way I know how, while endeavoring to encourage and support my son as he continues his journey into his adult years. I am also still learning to care for me, so that I can show up most fully as I work to bridge the generations without passing on the generational burdens. And, of course, I am not doing this alone. My wife is right beside me, as she has been for over three decades now. She and I are, together, standing in the gap between what was and what is becoming. We are both doing our work – putting on our own oxygen masks so we can effectively assist others on this life journey.

Hearing my son say he has zero ACEs was music to my ears, healing water to my soul. Getting to share about that with my wife brought even more tears of joy! For both of us!

Updated to add: A few days later, my daughter read this very blog post. I had to know. I sent her a text…