incredible

Have you seen the Disney/Pixar movies about The Incredibles? I enjoy those movies quite a lot! Since I’m a runner, you might think my favorite character would be Dash – and he is pretty great! I think Mr. Incredible might be my actual favorite. It’s hard to choose. Jack Jack is a lot of fun, too.

I’m gonna seem to switch gears here…please hang with me! I’ll circle back to the movie!

There is a therapy practice called IFS, short for Interpersonal Family Systems, as developed originally by Dr. Richard Schwartz. In IFS, each singular human person’s psyche is described as being made up of many singular personas, all vying for attention and affection (this is just my simplified way of thinking about it and not anyone’s actual definition). The “usual suspects” in IFS include managers, firefighters, and exiles. All three personas are pretty much exactly what they sound like. But I’ll break it down a bit.

In IFS, both the manager and firefighter are considered protectors of self. The manager works tirelessly with one primary goal of keeping self safe. The firefighter’s job is to stay on high alert, watching for anything that might overwhelm self. Exile is the wounded part in need of healing – many would refer to exile as the “inner child”. When exile shows up, this can be quite risky for self. Firefighter and manager will work to keep exile safe, but also to keep exile from showing up unexpectedly and creating danger or overwhelm. So, exile isn’t allowed to come out and play very often.

I have ADHD and developed a disorganized attachment style in childhood. My manager and firefighter have both been know to create chaos and start fires. And my exile? He shows up in the most random situations and times, in some sad and painful ways. He showed up last week, and it didn’t go so well. Then my firefighter ran to the rescue and my manager set everything back in order rather quickly. Too quickly. I gave myself a nice pat on the back and curled up in the warm glow of feeling ever so good about it.

The thing about ADHD and disorganized attachment is that, historically, my exile has not been all that great at being left unattended for long.

In comes the scene from The Incredibles 2, represented by the screen capture above. My exile is very much like Jack Jack – the toddling polymorph. He may show up all cute & cuddly, or he may be a raging ball of fire, shoot lasers from his eyes, melt into a puddle, or go entirely invisible! My exile may also show up like the poor unsuspecting raccoon, just trying to get a little snack for himself. Trying to get his needs met the best way he knows how.

Much of addiction recovery is about learning how to re-parent exile, so exile can feel safe enough to show up, and can show up in safe enough ways, so manager and firefighter don’t get their knickers twisted.

This, I think, is why I may like Mr. Incredible the best. Poor guy. He was not prepared to have a polyamorph for a son! And in the movie, we see him doing the best he can to care for little Jack Jack. He even uses curiosity, at first, to discover how music can soothe or amp up his son. He notices how Jack Jack likes cookies, and implements them as behavior modification incentives. He also enlists the help of his other (super) kids. But whoah, it’s just not enough, and all the efforts to contain and control Jack Jack end up with a very frazzled Mr. Incredible and an out-of-control Jack Jack.

In comes Edna – who is super-scientist, fashionista, and psychologist. She is not at all concerned about Jack Jack’s wellbeing or his abilities. In short order she’s able to devise a super suit and some better techniques and technology to help him (and his dad) appropriately handle all those super powers.

I showed up in the office of my Edna recently. The only super part of me was my frustration with self! Manager and firefighter had done all they could to contain exile, and I really thought they were successful. But exile showed up anyway – in an unexpected way. Like Mr. Incredible, I was frazzled and felt I was out of options. I knew where my latest struggle came from, but didn’t have enough experience or resources to re-parent myself through it on my own. She reminded me that though I have been a parent for many years, I’m still very new at this re-parenting thing, and that all parents make mistakes along the way. We worked through what happened, she helped me find healthy containment for and more adequately re-parent my Jack Jack. It was pretty incredible!

Funny how things happen and realizations take place when I’m writing. I did not at all start writing this post knowing I was headed in this direction. Now, I think Edna is probably my favorite character in the Incredibles movies. We all need an Edna.

Do you have an Edna? Therapists are great, but there are also people who just help make sense of life. Got one of those?