buried…yet alive?

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I’m wrestling with a topic that is somewhat unclear and quite complex. Nature vs. Nurture. Who wins? This post has taken me days to compose, edit, and re-edit.

The “experts” say that addiction is genetic. Well, not all… but many. I’m not going to link any specific studies about this. There are plenty. And then, I recently wrote about how Adverse Childhood Experiences bring about changes to a person’s biological, cellular, and genetic makeup.

My grandfather was an alcoholic. And, very recently I learned that, for a fact, he was also abusive. What does this mean for my heritage? What does it mean for my lineage?

This is the grandfather I never knew. Through the ancestry research I’ve been doing, I recently found a relative on my grandfather’s side of the family who actually knew him. This man is my first cousin, once removed, and actually spent time living in the same home with my grandfather. His words were, and I quote:

“The women in our family were mostly practicing Mormon (LDS) and all the men were practicing alcoholics.”

Whoah! Okay, that was way more forthcoming than I expected! But, there was more.

According to this same relative, my grandfather “was a good hearted person but the alcohol didn’t treat him very nice and he had, should we say, harsh relationships.”

This would explain why my great grandfather, on my grandmother’s side, traveled hundreds of miles across the country in the early 1950s to retrieve my grandmother and my dad, forever leaving behind my dad’s abusive, alcoholic dad – my grandfather. Eventually, my dad would also leave behind his dad’s last name when he was adopted by his mom’s brother after her death. My dad’s childhood was an outright disaster!

These are all things my dad has essentially buried most of his life. I’ve heard only whispers of the story until recently. My dad did say something one time about not drinking alcohol because it might not “set well” with him. Just last week, though, he mentioned that he thought his dad might’ve been alcoholic and abusive. So…buried but not forgotten.

My dad had his own addictions, though. He sought refuge and importance in his career – working long hours and eventually becoming his own boss and the boss of others – writing his own destiny, finding security in “success”. He also has struggled with food addiction and unwanted eating behaviors, in his own words, for his “entire life”. This has brought on a slow but sure decline of his health. The body does keep the score.

And, my dad was abusive. I was the target and recipient of that abuse. I’ve written about this before, so no need to belabor that here.

Here’s where I’m trying to go: It seems clear to me that while my dad tried his best to dismiss, bury and kill his father’s addiction issues and patterns of abuse, they remained very much alive.

I seem to have escaped addiction to alcohol, food, or work. Still, I have struggled with unwanted sexual behaviors – aka sex addiction aka intimacy disorder – for most of my life. And while I was not physically abusive to my children, the stuff I’ve put my wife through in years past as a result of my addiction has been pretty awful – and I would have to say emotionally abusive.

I’m in my 50s! I’ve been married since I was 19. While my wife and I have done a lot of work on our relationship over the course of our marriage, I only came to terms with the truth of my addiction a couple of years ago. I’ve discovered the healing power of processing the pain of my own story, and the work of story work. Things have changed, and are changing for me. Things are changing for my marriage, too. Despite our best attempts and intentions, my wife and I have been bumping into each other’s attachment issues for our entire marriage. Now we have common language, understanding, and ways of sensing and then making sense of what we’re sensing. We relate differently now. It’s good. So good!

Some time ago, I read in a blog by Wynne Leon that we all navigate life’s path in our parent’s shadow (I ever so slightly modified that, but Wynne deserves the credit). This truth means my kids, though seemingly pretty well adjusted young adults who are themselves married to wonderful marriage partners, may not be immune to my story and the way it has shaped not just my life, but theirs as well. And despite our best efforts as parents to inoculate them from our own hurts and habits, we still rub off on them in some ways. It’s literally inevitable! But is it really genetic?

I’m learning that the best way to keep from passing down my stuff is not by fighting, dismissing, trying to kill, or burying it. I’m being truthful with myself, seeking support from my village, and sharing honestly about the challenges I face with my family – including my adult kids. Will that be enough to truly bury the story of abuse and addiction that has been passed down for generations? That is my hope, my belief, and my prayer. I want to believe that while genetics may play a part, neuroplasticity is the real hero of life’s story.

I think this is another one of those posts that I just cannot button up nicely. Probably because the story of it is literally still being written – in my life and in the lives of my children, and eventually theirs too. Meanwhile, I’ll keep doing my work, so maybe my shadow lights like a butterfly rather than lands like a brick!

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18 thoughts on “buried…yet alive?”

  2. Both are factors. I don’t think there’s an “answer” really, since there’s no one size fits all problem. Let’s say I was born with a genetic predisposition for depression, couple that with the adversities I experienced early on, I didn’t develop the emotional resilience as some might, write a formula and perhaps it isn’t as simple to work to rewire a brain. I believe there is always hope.

    At church today, the pastor touched on God creating us with a choice to sin or not. Once sin had been committed and that “switch” was flipped, it was passed down. It went from being a choice to being inherent. His thoughts align with much of what I believe, as I believe all the evil in the world has been handed down, whether that was through nature, nurture, both.

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    1. You touched on emotional resilience… that’s a big deal, along with attachment. Thanks for bringing that up.

      And yes, I also appreciate you bringing in a biblical perspective. I guess, ultimately, each generation can do our part to work through whatever we’ve been passed down?

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      1. I think so, absolutely. That is what I got out of what you shared, that you are doing. I agree 100%. I can get overwhelmed or caught up looking at the “why” when what’s important is the “what can I do”. That was invaluable to find out!

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  3. What an incredible post, David. I think your tracing back the addictions through the generations has another effect that combines with your amazing forthrightness to disarm the secrets of their power. Whether or not addiction is genetic, I think secrets have incredible influence as people try to dodge them without talking about them. So, I send tons of admiration to you for your work to lighten that shadow for your kids and beyond. Powerful stuff that I believe makes a huge difference.

    And thanks for the shout out!

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  4. I did a similar family trauma tree, and as I learned and understood their pain, I felt release of my own. They say when you heal yourself, you go 7 generations back and 7 forward, and ever since I heard that, I’ve really been able to organize myself. I cannot change what I’ve done, nor the harms I’ve caused. I can learn, grow, change, and let my results and example speak for itself. I also am pretty open with my gang about my bullshit and their ancestors. Especially with my daughter – like call it nurture, nature, I don’t care, every woman in our tree has been assaulted. If I can break one curse, it’s that one. All of this has been coming up a lot for me bc she’s the age I was when I got assaulted the first time.

    I’m really sorry that both of us have such a history of pain and suffering. I hope you can find the peace and forgiveness you deserve for not knowing what you didn’t know. It’s like I say to my kids, it’s never about not making a mistake, it’s about learning, growing and changing. You are doing everything you could possibly be asked to do, and that’s so much for everyone. I keep saying, we all deserve nothing less than healing and the world deserves you. You’re an awesome dude, keep plugging away and telling us all how it is. I’ve learned so much from you, I appreciate you.

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    1. Thank you. Good on you for being open with your people. There’s a lot of power in that! I pray you that one curse has already been broken by your openness.

      I’ll work on that plugging away part. As I know you will, too!

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  5. Deep….touching the messy things of our bloodline. If I may ask- “How much of this [your journey]do speak or reveal to your children [I think I understand that they are now adults]?” So many of us come from families where we don’t talk about the messy- mine included.

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    1. It’s an interesting/challenging dynamic – this talking about the messy – as it has not been something I could/can talk very deeply about with the generations ahead of me, yet I feel such a strong need to be open with the generations that follow.

      You are correct – my “kids” are adults, and I’m gratefully able to talk pretty openly about the mess with them. They also read my blogs, which sometimes bring up conversations as well. Not that the talking is always easy, but my experience (and I think theirs as well) has been that it is good.

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      1. And so we can begin to break the cycle…begin the healing. This willingness to go to those places [though hard it may be] makes you a better man indeed. Thank God for the grace to do so…

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