just okay is still okay

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Oof.

Someone shared this image with me a few weeks ago, and I held onto it with the intent to write something about detox, and what it might look like for me. But then…life.

I think I wrote unraveled since, and in it I wrote about trauma triggers, and how I get triggers, but thanks to my ADHD I also get what I’ve coined compulses.

The singular way compulses have historically hit me hardest is boredom. As long as I can recall, to be bored, silent, and alone has always been very uncomfortable for me.

From childhood, the one thing my parent(s) wanted most from me would be to sit quietly and be a compliant child. But “for the life of me” and for most of my life, that is something I just suck at!

This past week has been different.

The week before was amazing, but left me feeling shippy. I expected this week to be hugely difficult for me. Times of transition can be really challenging, even in the best of circumstances.

I need to pause here and talk affect regulation for a minute. I eluded to it in my WoT Work post. WoT work is all about affect regulation. Keeping myself in a good space, emotionally – physically and spiritually, too.

On a scale of 1-10, I view my ability to regulate affect in three tiers.

1-3: Dissociation. Something is bothering me and creating anxiety in me to the point that I may be flirting with fantasy (3) or I may have simply “checked out” – Elvis has left the building! (1). You might be wondering where I went – especially if I’m at a 1.

4-7: Regulation. I’m inside my WoT. At a 4, I’m conserving energy, but still self-aware. I could slide into dissociation, but I’m not. At a 7, all cylinders are firing, all systems go! Life is good. I’m feeling really good! You probably enjoy being around me.

8-10 Agitation. Life could be too good to be true. Or, it is more difficult than I can handle. I’m experiencing anxiety about one or maybe several aspects of life. I’m expending more energy than is sustainable trying to handle these stressors. I’m anxious, and you’re probably experiencing me as being very intense! I’m probably looking for a release valve to get some of the pressure off my nervous system. And I’m likely looking in poor sources for that release valve.

This past week, my affect regulation meter has been stuck at 4. And what’s interesting is that I’ve had some positive/exciting stuff happen, and I’ve also experienced some potentially negative/exciting (anxiety inducing) stuff as well. Yet, that meter stayed, unwavering, at 4.

I have been waiting for my inner critic to show up and tell me I’m not enough. Not doing enough. He has remained quiet. I thought my inner child might’ve started whimpering, wanting more stimulation and excitement. He, too, has remained rather chill.

At 4, with no intervention, I would expect to eventually slide down into dissociation. It hasn’t happened. At 4, I normally would be looking for ways to up-regulate. New sources of excitement. I haven’t needed that.

This is new, and creates its own (low level of) anxiety for me. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m noticing it’s okay to just be okay. Silent and alone can be comfortable.

Is this what normal is like?

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14 thoughts on “just okay is still okay”

  1. Pingback: okay | Pinwheel in a Hurricane

    1. It seems to me that in some ways, bipolar, ADHD, D. I.D., addiction are all ways to describe ineffective affect regulation of some sort.

      Not sure if I’m finding baseline…guess I’ll find out in time…

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  3. Fascinating. I’ve always thought of this as how ineffective I am at getting work done if I have way too much or way too little. Now with your numbering scheme and that great quote, you are putting more structure around that idea. Thank you for sharing – amazing how it helps others!

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  4. I really love this. I’ve never thought to rate quite like this. I’m starting to find I’m a pretty on/off person. One day on, one day off. I can do a lot on “on” days, as long as I don’t push myself to do much on off. I’d like it to be higher, but I’m trying to be a bit more fair to myself. 3-4 on days are better than none. But, I like this rating. I wonder if I can detect more underlying patterns this way. Thank you for the idea, so very much. Baseline is kind of nebulous for me, it depends on so many things. I agree tho, okay is okay. It is a journey to get to be bored and be okay. I heard an ADHD expert say once that our brains cannot handle contentment. There is nothing stimulating about contentment. You know what is stimulating? Bad, negative, depressing, or anxiety inducing memories or thoughts. It’s basically a mechanism that if we’re bored/okay/content, the negative crap comes bc it is more stimulating. Argh! But, once I learned it, it kind of got a bit easier to laugh at myself. Great post, beautiful insight, thank you! 💙

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    1. I’m honored that you dropped by, and thank you for the insightful and real comments!

      Yeah…my brain doesn’t often handle contentment. I tend to self-sabotage, just so I have some level of intensity. There’s a blog in there somewhere.

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      1. The pleasure is all mine, I’m glad I stopped by! You are a wonderful, insightful writer!

        I get that, I struggle with the same. I’m basically coming across situations and thinking what I’d normally do and kind of experimentally, what happens if I choose x instead? It seems to be more effective bc it gives me inquisitiveness and curiosity instead of the shoulds and judgement. Experimenting seems to work with my brain way better, and gives me that stimulating, novelty thing and keeps me from spiraling too much.

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      2. Your “experimenting” sounds a lot like what my therapist helped me discover as “fast forward” – like on a TV remote, except for me it’s my “ADHD remote”. I’m still figuring out all the buttons, but it has been helpful 😏

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  6. Pingback: Okay enough – unwanted

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