words hurt

I was inquisitive, impetuous, talkative, sensitive, and otherwise just full of energy as a young boy. I know I was a handful. But it was communicated to me, in no uncertain terms, that it was my responsibility to be quiet, still, compliant, and attune to my dad’s emotional state – so as not to upset or anger him.

My inability to just comply was a constant source of emotional, mental, and physical distress for me.

In a therapy session a while ago, my therapist shared with me that when it comes to the parent/child dynamic, the only responsibility a young child has is to express their needs, and the only responsibity of a parent is to attune to that child’s needs. That’s it.

I cannot tell you how much relief that has brought me, as a 50-something year old man.

My dad wasn’t parented well. Of this, I am sure. He was born while World War II was winding down – a really difficult time for many. His dad wasn’t in the picture – abandoning him and his mom before my dad has memories. He experienced loss and abandonment again when his mom died while he was still a child. The parenting responsibilities were then transferred to his aunts, uncles, cousins, and his mom’s parents. No doubt he experienced a pretty difficult childhood, and those who were left to care for him probably didn’t feel much attunement towards him. More likely, he was just another mouth to feed, in a time when everything was scarce. It’s no wonder he felt a perceived need for attunement from his children. But to quote a memorable commercial, that’s just not how it works (okay, not how it’s supposed to work)!

I might be getting ahead of myself a bit. Might help to have some sort of working understanding behind that word attunement.

Attunement is knowing what someone needs, without them having to explain it. It’s perception that is led by the right hemisphere of our brains – the creative, intuitive side. Understanding someone requires being “in tune” with ourselves, our own feelings, and then also being connected with them, in tune with their feelings and needs.

This may only be somewhat of a great story example, but it’s what comes to mind so I’m going with it. When my son was to the point of beginning to eat soft (mushy) foods, I enjoyed getting to feed him. A weird thing would happen, though. As I would go to put a spoonful of mush towards his mouth, my mouth would open – and then so would his! As hard as I tried not to, it just kept happening. My body was signaling to his what I needed him to do. My intuitive side was directing me, which was directing him – all without words. And it worked. The same thing happened when I started spoon-feeding our daughter. I couldn’t help it! To me, that’s at least a physical picture of what attunement does between two people.

Hang with me. I’m about to turn a corner, here. Might wanna grab a handle!

Six years into my life, I gained a stepmom. I think I’ve mentioned before, I was only allowed to call her “mom” – from day one. And as a boy who had grown up without a mom to that point, I quickly accepted her as my new mom. But I’d missed out on six years of chances to be attuned with by her. That ship had sailed! My disoraganized attachment style had already formed. I was still inquisitive, impetuous, talkative, sensitive, and otherwise full of energy. I also had six years of feeling shame for not being able to stop being any of those things! She had a son with whom relationship was pretty easy. Now she had me, and my older sister too. My sister was quite compliant. So, that just left me – the problem child. Not long after we became a family, I was formally tested for and diagnosed with ADHD. Then I was placed on a strict diet, with my new mom in charge of keeping me compliant for that diet. She was also in charge of trying to keep me from failing out of school, when all I wanted to do was go outside and play. To say our relationship was pretty rough is more than true.

Then I was handed a porn magazine at age eight, and a whole new level of internal turmoil began.

When I was a preteen, my mom told me that my behavior was just like that of her sister’s, who had been diagnosed as schizophrenic, who was a drug user, who spent her time going between mental institutions and jail, and that I was going to end up just like her. I’m sure she hoped it would be a wake up call and “get me on the straight and narrow”.

It was not a wake up call. It was an insult and it really, really hurt! It showed me that she didn’t understand me, feared me, had no ability to attune with me, and wasn’t capable of really even seeing me. It was another reason, added to my already long list of reasons, not to trust her – or really anyone – with my hurts and feelings. I continued on my path of acting self-righteous while engaging in hidden unwanted behaviors and self-loathing, and doubling-down on porn use and seeking fulfillment in anything sexual, in an effort to make myself feel better. Yeah, I know…a self-defeating shame cycle.

I also doubled down on my efforts at appearing to have it all together. I don’t think there’s any coincidence that it was around this same time that I “felt called to ministry” and declared publicly that I was going to be a minister when I grew up. After all, I loved to sing, and at the time the only other thing I thought I needed to know was how to wave my hand in front of a pulpit – then I could be a “music minister”.

It’s actually a wonder I didn’t become schizophrenic. But then again, I was an addict. And I did hear a lot of voices – criticizing, condemning, and harsh – telling me I would never amount to anything. So, what’s really the difference? I’m not entirely sure.

Sticks and stones: Bring them on.

Words hurt.