on track

Yesterday, I was truthful with someone I care about. They did something that made me feel “less than” in their eyes. I told them, and then I also told them that I was only letting them know so the pain of it wouldn’t have a place to fester in me – not because I need or expect any kind of response from them.

Not long ago, I wouldn’t have wanted to risk rejection or retaliation. I would’ve kept it to myself. This would bring about internal discord, a sense of shame and resentment towards myself and this person. I would then start feeling disconnected from myself – disregulated and dis-integrated. From there, I would start feeling a sense of entitlement, and that would lead to “needing a fix”.

Also yesterday, I felt like a business was taking advantage of me through poor policy implementation. I shared this with them, stating my concerns in a gentle but firm manner. Through several emails back and forth, the employee I spoke with said she took my concerns to her supervisor, but their decision was not going to change.

I wrote a Google review about my experience. The review was not malicious, even giving them credit for the positive ways they had served my needs. But I was also truthful about how I perceived their business practices to be inconsistent and unfair. Not ten minutes after I posted it, the supervisor called me, offering to “hear me out” about my concerns. The supervisor did not mention the review, but her timing was more than coincidental. She then took ownership of their decision and offered to reverse it, which I accepted. I mentioned the review and asked if she had seen it by chance, and she dodged my question. This communicated to me that she was mostly concerned about the public image of the business, not their actual business practices. I went on to tell her I would change my review after getting confirmation their decision has been corrected.

Self care can take many forms. Ultimately, I think it’s doing the things I need to do in order to live with myself. But that requires self awareness, first. As an addict, self care and self awareness are non-negotiable, so that I remain integrated and regulated, and can remain inside my window of tolerance. In both instances yesterday, I felt the need to stand up for myself, but also didn’t want to do so in an overly aggressive or harsh manner. Those were the rails that I needed to keep me on track. Stand up for myself, but don’t be a jerk about it! The outcomes were less important than the actions taken – and doing them in a way that left me feeling at peace with me.

I’m learning, of course, that there’s more to self care. But I feel good about how I handled myself and these two situations. I

can live with that.